I AM TIGER WOODS?!

Holy crap. By now y'all have heard about Tiger's problems. But have you really HEARD them?

Here's some of the recently published nasty texts he sent to mistress #1 (of 12) Jaimee Grubbs:

Tiger: I need you

Jaimee: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u

Tiger: I will wear you out soon

Jaimee: how soon? I got a new piercing

Tiger: really. Where

Jaimee: I just sent u a pic of it ... is on my cheek below my eye ... implanted a little diamond

Tiger: send me something very naughty

Jaimee: some things are worth waiting for lol ... besides im at work

Tiger: go to the bathroom and take it

Jaimee: haha ur too much

and if you have already heard the voicemail, check this out...